Dear Corvid-19 Spaghetti Horders
As I write this the country is in the grips of an influenza epidemic called Coronavirus or Corvid-19. Some of you have been panic buying dried spaghetti from local supermarkets because you are chronically stupid. You have ignored the penne, rigatoni, macaroni and fusilli which is now under my control. (pause for super-villain cackle).
I also plan to buy all the Parmesan in England tomorrow so enjoy your plain boiled spaghetti as you sit in your hovel surrounded by the lavatory paper you also hoarded. If all you’ve got is baked beans and spaghetti you will need the lavatory paper.
I also have all the pesto sauce, basil and pine nuts so we might be able to arrange a trade of some Parmesan and pesto for a few packs of pasta. My wife has all the Hendricks gin in case you are desperate but I’ll need some tomato purée in return.
If you feel good that your toilet paper cache is worth more than your Apple stock spare a thought for the elderly who can’t fit 600 loo rolls in their Volvo estate cars. Suddenly the Daily Mail has become useful in the smallest room.
We are not going to run out of food or lavatory paper unless daft idiots panic buy it, and while our botties may not be a perfectly polished as they once were, we will be OK.
Yours Sgt Walker
Warmington on Sea Home Guard
P.s. if you need some nylons or French perfume meet me by the bomb site at midnight.