Avid readers of this blog will no doubt remember Cuisine Gastropov, my solution to producing cuisine on a recessionary budget. For those who don’t, try the post The Yummy Mummy’s Recession Cookbook. In it I suggest a few recipes for those stuggling to recapture Cuisine Affluence in harder times.
This evening my wife and I found ourselves with a lone chicken breast, some gourmet frozen chips and a sachet of Homepride Coat and Cook – Southern Fried Flavour. Thinking that we save ourselves a few pounds by dispensing with the organic vine tomatoes with balsamic vinegar we bravely assembled the meal.
Now it is widely recognised that one of the world’s worst tastes is the Durian
Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit thus: “Its taste can only be described as…indescribable, something you will either love or despise. …Your breath will smell as if you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.”
Travel and food writer Richard Sterling says “its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock.”
But even these descriptions don’t come close to what we experienced tonight. As metallic as chewing a yard of aluminium foil, as synthetic as nylon dipped in a McFlurry, as tasty as a burst tooth abscess and as appetising as a blind proctologist with long finger nails.
I implore you gentle reader, under no circumstances, how ever young, reckless or drunk you are to ever consider buying this product. Drink from you dog’s water bowl, snack on the chewy bits in your cat’s litter tray, clean your teeth with a lavatory brush but never eat Homepride Coat and Cook.