Why I hate Star Wars and Game of Thrones

I have a confession. I am an unbeliever, not a follower of the true canon, not a believer in the Book of Jedi, or whatever pointless tosh the people of Twitterati worship.

I spent the day trying to watch Game of Thrones for the fifth time and then I have Dune on in the background as I write this. Dune is Game of Thrones set in space and is equally pointless. I just don’t have the time or energy to care about whether Dathveda of the House of Jubba marries Loobiloo first child of King Bill of the Flowerpotmen.

They are all thinly veiled bible allegories or westerns that just aren’t worth watching in my opinion. This makes me an anomaly in today’s society. A cultural leper. An outcast. Saying you think Games of Thrones is pants is like admitting you have no sense of humour.

I know that in these secular times many people are searching for a belief system that offers some form of moral compass and a large dollop of escapism. At school, I used to read a lot of Tolstoy so I am familiar with a fifteen-page summary of characters who feature somewhere in the novel and everyone’s middle ends in -vich. (Son or daughter of) But these are books full of passion, history, and a commentary on Tolstoy’s contemporary culture. Not battle scenes with Nazi-lookalikes with space Katanas.

In terms of names, Star Wars has an absolute set of cracking names. Do you remember the fat starfighter pilot called Porkins or Wedge Antillies or his imaginary brother Doorstop Grenada? You can easily invent your own by randomly mixing Stricly Come Dancing names like Gorka Jones (plucky Rebel pilot), Hauer Mushtuk (Alien on planet Daley) and Katya Xu (Empire General).

So I enjoyed the first (original) Starwars Film but the rest were terrible. Dune is beautifully art-directed but who gives a damn. The hero is flying a helicopter that looks like a fly but his only weapon is a sword. Really? I have a spacecraft but all I have to defend myself is a blade. And my mother has her scary voice that makes anyone do as she says. Convenient or what.

Me: Scary voice ..”Boss, double my salary”
Boss: “Yes Mark I will”

Oscars all round.

So, I’ll switch off Dune and and miss out on the war against the sandworms which look like giant anuses and watch a detective drama set in Oxford With a grumpy old man in an old Jag. Oh, I’ve watched all of those. What about the sequel where that nice Geordie bloke becomes the boss. Ditto watched all of those. Help. Or the one set in the Sixties when the original boss was a sergeant. Ahh that’s better.

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