Yummy Mummy’s Book of Household Management

In 2008, I wrote a post The Yummy Mummy Recession Cookbook where I outlined how a Yummy Mummy could deal with the after-effects of the global financial crisis by combining her last items of luxury food with the slop she was buying from Aldi.

Twelve short years later we have another crisis, Coronavirus, and this impacts not just on what she eats but how she keeps Daddy, Stephanie and Georgina clean and germ free.

As I write I am in a queue of 14,741 people to log onto Ocado and Waitrose.com has given up the ghost and nipped out into the car park for a fag. The supermarkets are fairly well stocked as long as Yummy Mummy doesn’t want loo paper, pasta or UHT milk but as she has been told to work from home, she is trying to buy online. With the range of choices dwindling I proposed some remedies in the spirit of Mrs Beeton’s Book of Household Management.

Loo Paper

Yummy Mummy knows that a clean botty is essential for household harmony. Daddy has been knicking all of the standard loo paper from the office for the guest loo (remember when we had guests) but what will replace the Andrex Super Quilted with Aloe Vera now that this is just a pipe dream.

Mummy has already cut up Daddy’s old dress shirt but that won’t even get her to the weekend. The answer is War and Peace. Amazon sells a Wordsworth edition at £6.25 which contains 1024 sheets (sorry pages).She can apply a small amount of Clarins Super Restorative Night Cream to her sheets (sorry pages) and her botty will be at peace, Daddy’s botty will be at war as his sheets/pages will be unmoisturised.

Pasta

Yummy Mummy knows there is no spaghetti left in England as those nasty poor people have bought it all to make their revolting ‘spag bol’. She remembers those two weeks in the 1980’s when everone bought pasta machines and wonders whether some homemade tagliatelle is on the cards. Having located the pasta machine at the back of the cupboard under the stairs, next to the breadmaker, she discovered to her horror that the handle is missing and the roller are rusted shut and jammed after Georgina tried to roll one of her dolls through it.

Hand Sanitiser

Yummy Mummy read on the internet that you can make your own hand sanitiser using 70 proof rubbing alcohol and aloe vera gel. Undaunted she has a go.

A quick trip to Tesco and she discovers they don’t sell rubbing alcohol so she hits the vodka isle, trying to find the cheapest and strongest. She locates a bottle of Jock McSporan’s 101, a 101% proof, fighting vodka from Glasgow. She can’t find soft aloe vera gel so buys some Nivea as it is cheap and what her cleaner uses. At home she mixes these together to create a repulsive smelling paste.

She applies this generously and then drives to collect Georgina from school where she is turned away for smelling like a homeless tramp on giro day.

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