Monty Python’s Cheese Shop Revisited

In 1973 Monty Python wrote their famous sketch about a cheese shop that had no cheese. I just visited it 38 years later. Sadly it wasn’t a cheese shop but rather Plumb Centre in Lymington whose sole purpose in life seems to be to either deny the existence of the most basic plumbing supplies or provide a fantastically technical reason why they couldn’t possibly carry such an item.

The roles are played by me and the Plumb Nazi, a man so skilled in the cheese shop game that a mere amateur like myself stood little chance. So here goes

Plumb Nazi: Good morning Sir

Me: Good morning. I was thinking about a few light plumbing repairs and thought your fine establishment would be the answer to my every need.

Plumb Nazi : Unlikely sir, but we’ll have a go

Me: OK we’ll start on the easy stuff. I’d like some tile grout

Plumb Nazi: No call for that sir, it’s a bit specialist

Me: No it’s pretty basic, it’s the stuff all plumbers use to fix bathroom tiles

Plumb Nazi: Little call for it around here sir

Me: But it’s the single most basic bathroom fixative in the world

Plumb Nazi: Not in Lymington sir, around here we use ground unicorn horn mixed with the tears of angels

Me: Really?

Plumb Nazi: No sir I was pulling your leg, I’ve never heard of grout

Me: OK I’d like a radiator cap

Plumb Nazi: What would one of those look like?

Me: I don’t really know as I don’t work at Plumb Centre every single day of my useless life but I’m guessing it is a small cap that fits over a radiator inlet valve

Plumb Nazi: What’s the psi, diameter, torque setting and manifold burst pressure in DIN and Joules

Me: I think it is a £0.70 hunk of plastic

Plumb Nazi: Without the relevant information I might sell you the wrong one

Me: OK, let’s take a chance, I’ll have whatever you’ve got

Plumb Nazi: We’re sold out

Me: OK, last chance I’d like some plumbers tape.

Plumb Nazi: ptfe, hmrq, caplock7, grwe, pygh, hytg,……….

Me: what would you recommend?

Plumb Nazi: Sorry squire, it’s a health and safety issue

Me: OK, what do you have to sell me?

Plumb Nazi: I’ve got a replacement section for the channel tunnel, a catheter for a mosquito’s bladder and an avocado bidet but that’s a bit chipped

Me: Have you heard of Amazon…….