Tales from the store cuboard: Weird American Food

Some of you might have read an earlier piece I wrote on bad food called the Yummy Mummy Recession Cookbook where I explored some of the culinary treats you could whistle up in these hard economic times. Re-reading it this morning I began to wonder why the United States for all it’s economic power and technology prowess eats such abysmally awful food.  Yes of course, there are some fantastic American dishes that have colonised the world bringing happiness and heart attacks to millions.  I’m talking about the recipes that some Americans cook at home.  

To me it appears that they follow the same principals as monkeys with typewriters.  In other words, if you combine every known ingredient at random eventually you will produce something edible.  Here are some examples that don’t.  I am indebted to Big Oven for leading me to these gems.

Cola Chicken

Mix a can of diet coke with 8oz of ketchup.  Drizzle over 4 chicken breast and bake.  Probably not best served with that bottle of RomaneeConti 1990 you bought for $5,900

Pot Roast

Here, instead of a gentle simmering of beef, stock and vegetables the author goes for maximum impact by mixing beef with water and packets of Italian and ranch salad dressing together with gravy browning. Je vomis de mon nez.

Tater Tots Casserole

In a cuisine where everything goes with everything this is a landmark dish.  the ‘sauce’ for this reinvention of lasagne involves mixing three tins of soup; cream of celery, cream of chicken and cream of mushroom.  I cannot even begin to imagine what that tastes like.  Then you layer fried beef, frozen Tater Tots (Hash Browns), cheese and this special sauce before baking. The author claims “this is a great family or Holiday dish”; indeed, if your family are Fred and Rosmary West or you’re celebrating Vlad the Impailer’s Birthday.

More colonic treasures to follow.


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