Apple iPad – hopeless and hopelessly desirable

 It is no secret that I am a technology whore, who operates happily with complete disregard for my own dual standards.  I hate Apple for its nanny-knows-best control freekery, it’s army of zealous fanboys and its seriously crazy prices.  Their new toy then came as a shock. It is affordable, in the US at least, if you buy the hobbled 16gb, WiFi only model but let’s be honest who would.  It’s rather like buying the 1.4 litre Golf when you really want the GTi. You’ll spend five minutes congratulating yourself for your financial acumen and 24 months wishing you had more memory and 3G.

So what is my take on a product that I haven’t seen, never held or know anything about.  Now that’s a good way to start a review. I said to someone today that Apple would fail is they just produced a giant iPod Touch and guess what they did.  They produced a giant iPod Touch.  Simply nothing new, no game changer and here are a few of it’s obvious flaws.

No Multi-tasking – ask Google Nexus about that

Big Border – but hey you’ve got to put your thumbs somewhere

No HDMI Out – so I can’t plug it into my telly

The Name  – start the sanitary towel jokes now

No Flash – come on Apple you may not like it but 99.8% of web users do but you, of course,  know best

No removable memory – so I can’t upgrade it.  Thanks Apple. There is a thing called an SD card but it’s not cool so you woudn’t be interested.

No removable battery – Apple claims 10 hours battery life. I coughed up a lung laughing.  I don’t think so Apple.  I’m an iPhone user and I know just how great your battery life is.  I mean I don’t spend my life running between the charging stations in my car, at my desk, in the bedroom, my wife’s dressing room and the kitchen.  Honestly Apple, I just love wasting hundreds of pounds keeping your phone going.  However, for the iPad the question will be can you actually watch a whole movie on one charge.  Watch this space.

It’s Not Widescreen – so my new widescreen movies will look wonderful…or not

My final amusement was when they demoed the new Numbers app in iWorks on the iPad. Hey Apple are you getting a bit middle-aged showing off a spreadsheet on your new baby? Funky-time amortisation and pivot tables.

So now the $829 question (excluding 3G network charges) – would I buy one? Yes.  In fact I will crawl over the bodies of the less fortunate, sick and infirm to get one. I will elbow old ladies in the mouth, reduce children to tears and lie to the clergy.  And why? Because I want a laptop for the kitchen and with its plug in keyboard this will do the job perfectly.  So Mr Jobs I will send you my bank account details and if you’d like to remove whatever you think is reasonable then that’s fine with me.


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