The delightful sound of dentures

We stayed in a great B&B in Brockenhurst recently but it came with a few issues. The owner, Christine is clearly a bright and engaged individual but she has a bit of a love affair with a) the laminating machine and b) signage.

Everywhere we went there was a little sign – NO SMOKING – IN CASE OF EMERGENCY  CALL 01234 56789- PARK HERE – RECYCLE TOWELS – AA 4 STAR ECO HOTEL ..IF IN DOUBT CALL THIS NUMBER..IF HIT BY A SPUTNIK CALL THIS NUMBER…etc

The two worst things were the bar called the Snug (Jesus how hideous a name can you get) and the breakfast room called the Gilees (or something) after some old boy who lived,worked or dug the privie there.

The Snug is a 10 foot square, damp, dark, toilet decorated in the ‘fin de jumble-sale’, cottage style.  Even worst, they have an honesty policy which allows guests to consume the world’s worst collection of bizarre liqueurs. Have you tried New Forest Vanilla Vodka or Chocolate and Pecan’n’Walnut Smoothie? There is no circumstance in this universe where any human being would spend more than ten minutes drinking these hideous pretend drinks.  It’s genius.  Make the drinks consumption based on honesty but make the drinks themselves so disguising that no one – I mean NO ONE would drink them. This is the alcohol equivalent of an Eat-All-You-Want Rat Bar or a Korean Dog Carvery.

Then breakfast.  At 8.15am the room was great: quiet and private. By 9.15am the whole atmosphere in the ‘dining room’ had changed. All the guests are silent while the overwhelming sound is that of false teeth gnashing on a New Forest Breakfast.  There is nothing worse that British people being collectively embarrassed by communal eating. Everyone is trying to talk more quietly then everyone else with the end result that a spoon being dropped sounds like a 5 car pile-up.  There are few times in life when you need a Texan but this was one of them.

 

 

 

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